at this point i'd take any car xD as long as it ran well and was decent. i need a car pretty bad! still trying to save money. sigh.

but as for a dream car? i want a Mercedes. so. pretty.

it will never happen but it's nice to dream lol

so i know i haven't written anything here in forever but i need to write this out or i will combust.

so like 3 months ago i got into a car accident. 95 ford taurus went bye bye. i wasn't in love with the thing, of course, so i was indifferent to losing it. but i mean it could have been worse, at least i had something to get around in.

anyway, i've had no other mode of transportation but to drive my dads 20 year old dodge spirit. it runs, yes. but there's this rattling which sounds like pipes ready to fall out from underneath. fortunately this has not happened. yet. and there is no seat belt up front in the passenger side. which frustrates me to no end because when i pick mike up from the train station i feel like a taxi. he can't even sit next to me. but this crappy outdated box was what my dad bought. not me. HE bought it.

so this morning he comes into my room and has a full on conversation (i don't know with who because i was half asleep.) he was going on and on about a van and insurance and blah blah. so whatever, i said like several "yeahs" and konked back out. it's not until later in the day i realize he's bought a MINI VAN of all things: a nissan quest. we used to own one years ago but finally got rid of it. what the fuck a 52 year old man needs a mini van for is beyond me. also, he already owns a car!! so what pissed me off first of all, was he paid $2,000 for it. an answer i found out from my mother since when i tried asking my dad he got all defensive and nasty with me.

i mean, honestly...what. the. fuck.

there is no part of me that expects daddy to buy me a friggin bmw. i am not the privileged whiny bitch who's daddy buys her everything but i would think if you know full well your kid has no car and you have $2,000 like that, you would, i don't know...maybe help her put money down on a car?? instead of running out and buying a goddamned mini van????? he also announced to me that i would take his shit box car and pay for insurance on it. um. what? none of this was ever discussed with me. not once. not until the day he decided it. so now i have no car. because the dodge is no longer registered. he left me a fucking envelope with insurance information and i'm just supposed to be ok with it all. i've been saving what little money i can for a car. which he also knows.

i know telling them how i feel will only make it worse. it always has. what i feel seems to be a threat to my parents. (although for once my mother agrees. for whatever reason my dad keeps buying useless crap. this is not the first occurrence)
my dad will surely implode on me because i already got a taste of it just by asking him one simple question. it never matters what i think or say. it just doesn't to them.

never will.

i rarely ever get to go anywhere on vacation, but the times i have i did not bring a laptop. it's just not necessary, if i'm away somewhere relaxing or having fun or just out exploring a new place, why do i need the internet? i use the computer everyday so if i get the chance to go away i leave all that at home and enjoy something new for a change.

in the sense that it is anything but hysterical...

so pre-argument last week, my mother oh so nicely informed me that mike and i had to end the night at 1:30 am. which was basically some random rule she threw at me because god forbid she doesn't control every move i do, or do not, make. to which i made a comment how my YOUNGER sister never receives such commands when her 30 yr old boyfriend comes and hangs out til 2, sometimes 3 am almost every night.

so i come home earlier to find her boyfriend here, and honestly, nothing against them, i could care less how long he hangs out. but what DOES bother me is that it is nearly 2 AM and he is still here. what ever happened to the 1:30 time limit???

???

this is the shit that pisses me off. my mother is nuts and therefore instates these ridiculous, random, on-a-whim rules. but apparently these asinine rules only apply to me. and why? for control purposes. it's as if she can't stand the fact that i have a relationship, with, gasp, a guy. but why is it different for my sister?? why is it that my younger sister is not given a time limit with her older boyfriend, but i do??

it makes no sense. none whatsoever, the only "sense" i can try to make of it is that it's simply a tool with which she uses to control.

i'm just so tired of it all. i really am and i'm stuck for now but i know it won't always be this way. i refuse to let it be. and what worries me is the future, for when i have kids and she tries to control how i raise them. because i know full well she is going to try that too but i've made a promise: it's going to end.

so last night i had a heated confrontation with my mother, right in front of my boyfriend.

yeah.

great...

mind you for a change the woman was not going ballistic on me like usual. but now i believe she held back (volume wise) because mike was sitting there. it all began with her accusing my boyfriend of touching the tiffany lamp chain in the kitchen. her reasoning was that because mike is tall, and bumps his head on it, this gave him motive to shorten the chain and heighten the lamp. i explained he has no reason to come into this house and touch or move anything, most of all a heavy lamp hanging from the ceiling.

my not owning up to things i didn't do, as usual, ticked her off. because my sisters nor my dad admitted to adjusting the lamp, she immediately pegged me. and this has happened before. now the accusation of something so trivial did not upset me, it was what she said that did. she full on glared at me, literally, for quite sometime, narrowed eyes and turned down mouth. she looked right at me and said,

"well, you lie. IT'S WHAT YOU DO."

now to me that was a slap in the face. my mother has forever told me she hates liars above all else. so calling me a liar is far worse than "bitch" or any other explicative. and have i lied to her before? of course. because you know what, with someone as controlling and critical and nuts as my mother, sometimes you have no other choice but to lie. lying is easier with people like her, they can't go ape shit over what they do not know. i take responsibility for my action but she is the only one i tend to lie to because i know if i do not all hell will break lose. and as a great change in my personality i've been "pushing" the limits, and trying something new:

standing up for myself. talking back.

i got upset naturally and stated,

"oh really? nobody else lies? everybody else is perfect?" so for the rest of dinner i didn't even look at her. for the next two days i would avoid her like the plague and not talk to her.

things came to a boiling point when she announced to me in the living room that we were to,

"have lights out at 1:30"

with my boyfriend sitting right there. now, for months my YOUNGER sister has been sitting in the living room with her 30 yr old boyfriend til 2, sometimes even, 3 am. and i of course heard my mothers complaints, because she's never held any of those back and lets everyone know full well when she is miserable, which is always. but despite her bitching, i never once saw or heard her tell colleen to "have lights out at 1:30"
and so i told mike this and my mother heard, coming back downstairs to *ding ding* begin a fight i knew was already brewing once i heard the footsteps. in response she let me know she'd be telling colleen that as well, (really? because she never did...)

and this escalated into what happened 2 days earlier. she actually stood there either pretending not to know or was genuinely "lost" on what i was so upset with her about. i refreshed her memory, to which she of course quickly defended herself and pointed out that i do lie.

ok. so? everyone lies.

apparently she feels i do it in excess with her and has labeled me a liar. this then flew into how i need to respect her because i am the child and she is the mother. i stood firm on my stance that, yes, she is my mother but so long as she talks to me the way she does and treats me that way i can never genuinely respect her. when you are constantly being put down, criticized and accused, you will resent that person, no matter they be relative or not, but there will never be true respect.

she did not like that statement and insisted that while in her house and while she is paying the bills she will be respected. and this of course means regardless of what she does. but what it all boils down to is that she is controlling. i will say that i am not perfect, sadly im 26 and still living in this environment. it is not my house. i do not pay bills and for that she is forever holding it over me. even my own birth she threw in my face, stating she carried me for 9 months. what am i to say to that? the only thing i knew what to say "I'm sorry? I'm sorry you had to give birth to me??" i mean really, i get that is her way of trying to force me to see i should respect her on that basis but you know, i did not force myself into her, i never told her to have me. it is never anyone's decision to be born.

the fact i've disappointed her came up as well. and this is because i have not yet finished school and work in a retail job she no longer approves of. she is forever also holding it over my head that i am 26 and should have been done by now. and also informed me when she tells everyone my situation (oh wonderful) that they agree with her. well of course they're going to agree with you, if you tell them how you want it to sound. i'm not there to defend my position! and at least i can admit i do not do everything perfectly, maybe i am a fuck up in some ways but you know, i am not a bad kid, i think i'm doing pretty well if i'm not a drug addict and not pregnant, and never will be. i told her to her face that it will never matter what i say or do. it will never matter. and when two minutes later i tried getting her to understand how it hurts me when she tells me i'm a disappointment she counters back saying she never said that.

well...
if you tell someone they've disappointed you. what are they? A DISAPPOINTMENT.

those were not the only shots she took at me, and all with no expression on her face. she also claimed me to "walk around the house with an attitude and like you're entitled to everything."

HOW? the attitude she speaks of is me trying to stand up for myself for a change. of course she hates it that i talk or shout back, because for so long i never did. i always just took it and now i've decided i can't do that. no, of course i don't want to argue or have fights, it's not who i am, and usually i feel like im being baited like she wants me to fight but i have to stand up for myself from now on, there is no going back because sitting there and taking it has been far worse on me emotionally.

i also do not understand this "entitled" feeling she seems to think i have. how is it that i think i'm entitled? i ask for nothing. if i need or want something, i get/buy it myself. the only thing i've learned to feel entitled to is my own life, to my own happiness and it feels like those are the things she doesn't want me to have most of the time. she even tried to stop me from going places or socializing. i never had the normal things in high school, later on in that night i broke down pretty bad in front of mike, telling him i've always felt not good enough for a lot of things. i never had many friends in high school, sometimes having to sit alone at lunch, which is the worst feeling in HS. and i never had a boyfriend and i just never felt worth it. but now i'm socializing more and getting out there and she seems to despise it. even when my sisters want to go out or have people come over my mom has a fit and her answer is 99.9% of the time: "NO." she claims that encroaches on "her time"

the shots did not end, she went out to say i "rarely do anything" in the house, in terms of cleaning. which is horseshit, because i do plenty of cleaning, especially in the bathrooms as it seems everyone will use them but not lift a finger. it's the one room you go to clean yourself, so i cannot stand it if it gets filthy. i share one with 2 sisters and they filthy it, it's disgusting. and of course when mike visits i clean up. i vacuum and do dishes, i do laundry. although now i'll only do my own and the towels because it was only giving her something else to yell at me for doing wrong.

the last thing thrown at me was my sensitivity. or rather i'm "too sensitive" because toward the end of this confrontation i was in tears. it's never something i've liked about myself, these inevitable uncontrollable rivers of tears. they always spring out far too easily and it's finally occurred to me that parents SHOULD see that and want to comfort you, maybe see that as a sign that you are hurting, that maybe you keep a lot of shit inside and that is what it looks like when it finally comes out. but no. i've been told all the while that i am
"too sensitive" that i
"need to grow a thicker skin"
"why are you crying? i should be the one crying"
"there are far worse things to deal with in life. stop crying."
"you're not a baby."
and in my tears i managed to speak still saying "and my problem has always been that i care way too much about what you think. about what everyone else thinks." her only reply to that?
"right. you are too sensitive."

i want to say i love my mother. she has done much for me. and with somethings she turns it around on me and holds it over my head. a mother should do things out of love, not to later turn and use it on her child because she is not getting her way.

many of the things she accused me of could be said of her. and though i tried my best to convey my feelings, it didn't matter what i said, all she could do was counter back with reasons for why she was right and i was wrong. she never listened. never will. and this is why i find is always so difficult and exhausting to talk to her.

i'm either being yelled at for stupid little shit, or i am being criticized. i can try and please her but when i do it is never good enough, and when i decide to not try for the realization it won't matter anyway, i am barked at for being lazy, for "rarely doing anything."

you don't see my pain, how your words effect me. the things you do. i've tried getting you to see. but all you see is that you are always right and everyone else is wrong. i know this will be like any other disagreement. like any other time you've hurt me. you are too proud to say "sorry", because telling me "sorry" would injure your precious pride. it would mean to you that you have behaved wrongly. but you are never wrong, are you? you act like nothing happened and one day begin talking to me. i respond, because you are, after all, my only mother. i am not a bitter person, i can't hold grudges, why should i? so i move on, until the next episode and so the vicious cycle continues...

sigh. i just really don't know what to do anymore. i brought up the job issue with my boyfriend again last night and right away i could tell i hit a nerve. he hasn't worked now in nearly a year and insists he's looking but i don't think he's been. i think maybe he just doesn't want to work. hell most nobody wants to work but the reality is, is we have to! you need money to live, to eat etc.
i also got disappointed when we couldn't even do or go anywhere for valentines day and that pissed him off too. we made up and everything but now it just seems like he's annoyed with me again, and all i did was look up some jobs for him to look into on craigslist. sometimes i think maybe i'm being selfish or maybe i should just drop it, but then i think,

"no i am not being selfish, if anything i've been very giving." and this is all because i love him very very very much, and desire to build a future with him but how can i possibly do that if he just wants to stay home, hang out with friends and play video games all day? i have absolutely nothing against video games and there is nothing wrong with him playing them but it just seems like he doesn't want any responsibility.
i shouldn't talk because yeah im 26 and am currently going nowhere fast but you know, at least i can say i have my own money and pay my own phone bill and i work.

i just really don't know what to do because this type of financial shit is what stresses couples out and ultimately leads to feelings of resentment and then finally the end of the relationship. and for that reason i am scared and i cry when i think about not being with him. he is my first love, first boyfriend and the thought this will not last because of that has haunted me. it eats me up inside, i get so down and it doesn't help i'm overly emotional to begin with, it's just i'm so damn conflicted and tired and i just love him so much.

explain to me why i have to shell out money because a cousin, who i never see and when given the opportunities to visit, doesn't, knocked up his girlfriend? they're 19 and pregnant...which of course nowadays isn't all that rare... but i didn't even know about it until i happened to look at a baby shower invite taped to our fridge. o_O

it's like, jesus he got her pregnant? i didn't even think she was well enough to even carry a kid. but i'm not even cheap or anything but why should i have to go and shell out money to kids who shouldn't even be having, well, kids??? my mother is all

"oh i don't think i'm going but you can go to walmart.com and look up their registry and send them a gift."

maybe this makes me sound like a cold bitch or something but um, i'm 100% sure if i got pregnant they wouldn't be sending me jack shit. and in all honesty i barely have money for myself, especially since my hours have been cut at work. i just cannot afford to send them anything, and they're actually not even blood relatives.

i think it's BS that just because they went and slept together that now i have to scrape together money to send them something. i haven't even met his girlfriend. this of course also puts into perspective how freakin' glad i am to NOT be knocked up. and I'm 26...

so mike, fully willing, sits down earlier with me to watch a behind the scenes dvd of josh groban. he's already aware of my love for this singer, xD ok ok so it's really just a silly crush but anyway we watch it and everything and mike even laughed a few times.

so he states that he'd gladly go with me to see a concert when josh tours again. i mention that i hope he does another signing in new york when his next album comes out. i missed the last one but i most definitely will not miss it again. mike then says,

"oh think you'll get to shake his hand?" to which i replied,

"i want a hug!" so mike kinda looks at me for a moment, lol, then goes

"well....alriiight, but NO TONGUE." hahahahaha

i never even said anything about kissing. but ok mike, if kissing is alright ;)

although what i really said was "eh he'd probably not even want to hug me..." so mike being the lovely bf he is says,

"of course he would! if i were him i'd definitely want to hug you"

i regret not calling him out on basically saying i could kiss josh even though all i mentioned was an innocent hug. xD it's so fun to tease...

ride a horse!

animate a character

maybe have a child one day

illustrate a childrens book

ride a jet ski

meet josh and have a picture taken. just one! 'tis all my tiny heart desires

be a size 8 lol

get married

travel (all over is unrealistic but still a dream, i'd like to see CA and go to England, and Tokyo)

attend another cruise

go to Disney World and Disney Land

and i just want to be remembered as a decent human being. to be well liked, of course not by everyone because you can't please everyone. but i want to do good in this world, even if it is of small quantities; i want to give to charity again, do something that would have some sort of positive impact. and most of all, i just want to be happy, to have lived, to not be where i am now which is a shell, a cage of sorts although the rays of lights are finally breaking through because i am starting to make the cracks...

ps. AND have sex. i am not dying a virgin :-p

society puts too much pressure on us with just about everything: career, how much money you make, what you wear, what car you drive, how thin you "should" be.

and of course, among these expectations and "ideals" are marriage and children. we're human, it's nature for us to eventually breed and produce more of us. and it's considered normal for people to start dating at an average age; to begin this natural cycle of being born, surviving, breeding, dying.
i always felt like lesser because i never dated, never had a boyfriend and most of this was because of what i saw around me. and because of how many times i was asked if i had a boyfriend. there is, of course, nothing wrong with that question, but the more i had to answer "no" to it the more i questioned my quality as a person, as female. it's normal for any human to want to be seen as an equal, to fit in, to have the sense that you belong.

we're constantly being flooded with images and messages telling us what we should be or what we should have. this is greatly in part to commercialism, especially with valentines day. i, of course, having always been single, did not care for the holiday because for singles it was simply a reminder of one thing : you're alone.

it's not simply media, having matured i can take that and more or less ignore its shallow messages. what was harder to ignore was that i was female, getting older and had two younger sisters who had boyfriends. worse was going to social events and being older and being the single one. people will always judge you, no matter what you do and i've always been rather self conscious. it's expected you'd have dated or be in a relationship and if not...why? when people would inquire to my boyfriend status i'd simply say,
"no, it's because i smell."

why couldn't i simply shrug and offer a "no"? a "nope"? a "no way"? why did i have to jump in with self deprecation? because i felt, hey make fun of yourself so they'll laugh and the awkwardness would end. i felt like i was always giving the wrong answer, turning up short and disappointing everyone, and myself.
i personally, can't blame it all on society. it's society. i have my own personal issues. i have a boyfriend now, because well i decided to do something about it, instead of waiting around.
society will always put pressure on us because what is society but a bunch of crazy humans? acting and doing what is considered normal and expected of them. doing what makes the world go round.